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The lawyer jokes thread [for booman's new work buddies]

Discussion in 'Random Nonsense' started by ThunderRd, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. ThunderRd

    ThunderRd Irreverent Query Chairman Staff Member

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    Like booman does now, I used to work with a LOT of lawyers.

    Most of them aren't bad people, although the world seems to perceive them that way. I actually liked quite a few of them, and even stay in touch with a couple, even after all these years.

    But the BEST part of knowing lawyers is the joke-telling. Even THEY enjoy telling a good lawyer joke.

    Here is one of my favorites:

    The topic in school one day was, 'What do your parents do?' Christine told the teacher her mom was an interior designer, Joey's dad was an engineer, and Terry's was a policeman.

    The teacher thought this was going quite well, so she courageously asked 'Little Johnny'. "So, Johnny, what does your dad do for a living?"

    Little Johnny exploded, "My dad is a doorman in a whorehouse! He's so cool."

    The teacher, needless to say, quickly made her segue to the next student, but promised herself to have a chat with Johnny's father about his answer.

    A few days later she visited Johnny's house, to have his dad answer the front door. She related Johnny's outburst, and told him that she felt it was a cry for attention. "Actually," Johnny's father said, "I'm an attorney. But how would you suggest that I explain that to a 9-year-old?"

    Come on now, tell your best lawyer jokes here.
  2. booman

    booman Grand High Exalted Mystic Emperor of Linux Gaming Staff Member

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    Hopefully I will never have to work with a Lawyer since I'm IT for internal employees. Unfortunately our support staff will have to take calls from Lawyers all day. So maybe I'll link them our thread here
  3. Daniel~

    Daniel~ Chief BBS Administrator Staff Member

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    What do you call ten thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the sea....

    A damn good start!

    And yes a lawyer told mer that joke
  4. Kaitain

    Kaitain Active Member

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    During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers? - P.J. O'Rourke
  5. ThunderRd

    ThunderRd Irreverent Query Chairman Staff Member

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    Alan McDershowitz went skiing with his lawyer friend, Johnny O'Cochran. They loaded up Al's BMW SUV and headed to the resort. On the way, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They looked for the nearest country house, pulled into the drive, and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it's dangerous out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house. But perhaps it would be OK if you took the barn. What do you think?"

    "Don't worry," Al said. "Beggars can't be choosers. We can sleep in the barn. And if the snow stops, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed, and the two men settled in for the night on some straw. In the morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way, enjoying a great weekend of skiing.

    Nine months later, Alan got an unexpected letter from another attorney. It took him a few minutes to suss out what had happened, but he finally determined that it was from the lawyer of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

    He dropped in on Johnny at his office. "Hey, Johnny, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farmhouse we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"

    "Yes, I sure do," said J. O'C.

    "Well, here's the question of the day. Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a bit of a visit?"

    "Well, err, yes," Johnny said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Johnny's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."

    (Was that what you expected?)
  6. Kaitain

    Kaitain Active Member

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    The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

    "I want Natalie," the old man replied.

    "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

    "No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

    The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

    The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

    "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

    "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."
  7. ThunderRd

    ThunderRd Irreverent Query Chairman Staff Member

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    Lolz. Good one :)
  8. Kaitain

    Kaitain Active Member

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    NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.
    The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

    The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

    The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
    “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
    The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
  9. Kaitain

    Kaitain Active Member

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    In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results.
  10. ThunderRd

    ThunderRd Irreverent Query Chairman Staff Member

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    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial.

    Q. "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"
    A. "No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away."
    Q. "Officer, who provided this description?"
    A. "The officer who responded to the scene."
    Q. "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"
    A. "Yes sir, with my life."
    Q. "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"
    A. "Yes sir, we do."
    Q. "And do you have a locker in that room?"
    A. "Yes sir, I do."
    Q. "And do you have a lock on your locker?"
    A. "Yes sir."
    Q. "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?"
    A. "You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."
  11. Kaitain

    Kaitain Active Member

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    A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
    "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50.
    Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

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